Some Written Dreams: Breaking Away
As my twenties came to an end several weeks ago, I cannot lie or pretend to be so wise that I do not feel afraid to move forward, or at least, look ahead. I do not think stepping into my 30s is just a number. Even if I am highly aware that I cannot compare myself with anyone’s growth or life’s milestones, and I should not let society set what kind of things I should and should not have had in this age, I still feel like I should progress on my way to what I want to achieve or experience in life. As someone who always has a deep rumination on things and is very careful on my every step forward, waking up being a thirty-years-young felt like standing in a spectrum of emotions. Some parts of me felt like I am a failure that I am still so far from where I wanted to be. Some other parts of me felt grateful for every progress that I had made so far and I completely embraced and loved every part of me. Waking up on my thirty alone in my bedroom in the morning, far from my dreams, far from anyone back then, with no cake or candles to blow, pressed my chest heavily; BUT ALSO slapped me right in my face, “Hey, you’ve got God, and you’ve got yourself who is always full of spirit and hope and good energy, and people who love you so much even if they do not care about how important your 30th birthday is. 😆 It’s not that bad!”
Looking back and looking ahead, I think there is one important thing that I need to do to manage moving forward without dragging in my baggage from the past: breaking away. I think this way will lessen my fear and anxieties in facing this whole new world in being 30 years young.
So, today, on this page, I just want to write something for myself: the dreams that are so close to my heart, yet I have not managed to hold them yet. I do not have as much hope and good energy as I used to be, but I really want to optimize what is still left in me. Will use this silly writing to remind me of what I care about so much right now. [no, not everything personal you express in public space will be ruined (by others). sometimes it can strengthen others too. ❤]
- I still dream of love, with a good man. A love that cannot bear the idea of losing me or being apart from me. A love that fights for me and lets me fight for him too. A love that is able to break away from himself just a little bit, so he can have a whole new life with me. A love that is so tender and understanding, loving and accepting. A love that is balanced in power, yet still romantic; needing each other’s presence so much, but still can stand independently most of the time; a love that is vulnerable in each other’s absence or in expressing our deepest feeling, yet stronger in each other’s presence and with all the memories that we share together. A love that laughs a lot together with me, a love that cries together with me. A love that understands that a balanced calculation like accounting is not what a healthy relationship is made of; so the love will do his best to make me feel loved, but also will understand enough his boundaries or capacity and communicate what he can or cannot do to/with me; so the love will do his best to appreciate all the love that I give to him, but also understand enough that I cannot give what I do not understand, that he will ask or let me know what he needs. A love that opens his arms & heart wide for the essence of my being and for my past; a love that is courageous and comfortable to pour out himself to me. A love that is excited about my beauty. A love that understands that this adulting journey is about breaking away from so many wounds, and during the journey, bumpy road will come as we break away and grow together; a love that understands bumpy road is a phase where we need each other the most, not to push each other away due to the discomfort. And thus, a love that wants to be there to support my growth journey, instead of despising me for my vices, and vice versa. And I guess. If it is not like this, it is not worth all the fuss.
- I still dream of having my own books published in commercial publishers, especially the big ones. Hoping that I can break away from my fears and comfort zone of just living from one day to another without really accepting the loud “having my own book published” knock on my door. Hoping that I still have time. Hoping there are opportunities out there to accommodate my thoughts (in a commercial way 😛). Hoping that my writings can do good to people’s hearts and minds. Hoping they can mean something to some people.
- I want to be a good person. Good God, I want to be a good person. Good for my own heart, soul, and future self. Good for others; my loved ones, my friends, my colleagues, my family, strangers that I interact with in society, my future life partner, my future children, my community. Good for You, God. I want to break away from my old wound and the bad pattern that has been embedded in me for so long. I never ever want to project my insecurities to other people anymore. I want to see other people as they are and as they do, not mixed with my insecurities. I want to have growing patience and understanding for other people. I want to have no need to protect myself so much that I always have a proper distance from people; I want to only protect myself when I know the bad things or bad people come in, not protecting myself from something that does not exist as a pre-emptive move. I never want to make anything about myself anymore. I have got this life only for once. And what a big waste it is if I only live it for myself, if I only want to see and understand my own reality.
- I want to have my own either social foundation or social business. It still seems like a grand idea that it feels impossible, but let’s see. Last year I gave up on this dream once due to some realities that I have to face. But, I guess, if it is still in my heart, never say never? I want to break away from some manageable limitations that I tend to use as an excuse to not do things that matters to me. But also, I promise that I will not force things that, turned out, are not meant for me.
The art of life, I believe, is to keep painting those dreams with good faith and work, but also not punish or label ourselves (or even our future!) when they do not happen (yet). Judging ourselves, I learn, is as bad as judging others. We are the product of our own determination, our heart, our view/values of life, and the most inevitable thing, the fate itself that pushes external factors outside of our control. And of course, all in all, I hand these dreams and hopes onto God’s hands.
Be useful and compassionate to others, but also have a need to be happy that you don’t punish or hate yourself or dwarf your life into something that you less deserve. Be grateful and content with your life and the blessings that you receive, but also break away from yourself a little bit to be capable of completely loving others, purely.